How to Use Nonviolent Communication Skills to Resolve Emotional Confrontation in Dialogue

How to Use Nonviolent Communication Skills to Resolve Emotional Confrontation in Dialogue

Problem Description: When emotional confrontation (such as anger, resistance, silence, etc.) arises in communication, how to use the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model to identify the needs of both parties, transform confrontational dialogue into cooperative dialogue, and ultimately reach consensus.

Core Knowledge Points:
Nonviolent Communication emphasizes observing facts rather than judging, expressing feelings rather than blaming, uncovering needs rather than complaining, and making specific requests rather than commands. Its core lies in shifting the focus from "who is right or wrong" to "what each other needs," thereby reducing defensive psychology.

Detailed Problem-Solving Steps:

Step 1: Pause Judgment, Objectively Describe Facts

  • Problem: Emotional confrontation often stems from negative interpretations of others' behaviors (e.g., "He is deliberately stalling").
  • Method:
    1. Distinguish Fact from Evaluation: Facts are what can be recorded by a camera (e.g., "The plan was submitted 2 days later than scheduled"), evaluations are subjective judgments (e.g., "He is irresponsible").
    2. Use Neutral Language: For example, instead of saying "You always interrupt me," say "Earlier, while I was speaking, you interjected three times."
  • Purpose: Avoid triggering the other party's defense mechanisms and create a safe environment for dialogue.

Step 2: Express Your Own Feelings, Rather Than Blaming the Other Party

  • Problem: Many people confuse "feelings" with "evaluations" (e.g., "I feel you don't respect me" is actually an evaluation).
  • Method:
    1. Use Feeling Words: Such as "anxious, disappointed, encouraged" rather than "I feel targeted" (the latter implies an evaluation).
    2. Link Facts and Feelings: For example, "The plan is delayed by two days (fact), I feel somewhat anxious (feeling) because the client might be dissatisfied."
  • Purpose: Help the other party understand the source of your emotions, rather than feeling attacked.

Step 3: Uncover the Needs Behind Feelings

  • Problem: Emotional confrontation often stems from unmet needs (such as respect, collaborative efficiency, etc.).
  • Method:
    1. Self-Questioning: "What unmet need is causing my anxiety?" (e.g., need for project stability).
    2. Speculate on the Other Party's Needs: Is their delay due to insufficient resources? Do they need support?
  • Purpose: Shift the focus from "emotional confrontation" to "joint problem-solving."

Step 4: Make Clear, Feasible Requests

  • Problem: Vague requests (e.g., "I hope you can be more responsible") are easily misunderstood.
  • Method:
    1. Be Specific: Clarify time, action, and outcome (e.g., "Can you submit the revised version by noon tomorrow?").
    2. Request Rather Than Command: Use phrases like "Would you be willing to..." to give the other party room for choice.
  • Purpose: Transform needs into actionable plans.

Comprehensive Case Exercise:
Scenario: A colleague has been late to meetings multiple times, and you feel dissatisfied.

  1. Fact: "You were 5 minutes, 10 minutes, and 15 minutes late to the three meetings this week respectively."
  2. Feelings: "I feel somewhat troubled because the meeting pace gets disrupted."
  3. Need: "I need to ensure the team's time is used efficiently."
  4. Request: "For the next meeting, would it be convenient for you to arrive 5 minutes early? Or do we need to adjust the meeting time?"

Key Reminders:

  • If the other party remains emotionally agitated, you can reflect their feelings (e.g., "You seem very frustrated with the current arrangement") to show understanding.
  • Nonviolent Communication is an iterative process; it requires continuous observation and adjustment of requests until the needs of both parties are balanced.